Her.
i had a really nice and good talk with my used-to-be bestfriend in class today. she is an ordinary girl who is really carefree she loves kpop. it's been awhile since i laughed so much and it's been awhile since i feel so high and good around people. to be honest i miss her dearly. i used to disagree with her on her obsession with kpop saying her studies will deteriorate. i once even tried to stop her from going into a kpop fandom. it was last year. i was blinded by success i was blinded by the constant praises from people when i do well for my studies. i yearn to beat everyone in the class. i yearn to succeed in the rat-racing competition. i started to look down on my bestfriend, i started to feel as though she will never be motivated to study and that this kind of people i should stay away from them, this kind of people are the people who are useless. so i left our clique i left her with the others alone. i used to think how brave i was to be a solo fighter. fighting all alone in the academic competition was my theory of bravery. what i didn't realise until today was i missed her, i miss her presence, i miss the way we laughed. nobody around me could make me laugh as much as her. i miss those lunches that we used to have in Pasta Box. but Pasta Box have closed down. was that a way to erase our memories? was that a sign to tell us that our friendship ended on a bad note and the memories are to be forgotten? i started to wonder why was i so competitive back then, what was driving me into that cut throat competition. what is the deifinition of Bravery. Yes, in the end i succeeded with much determination and perseverance. i gotten my 3 seconds of success, 5 seconds of fame, 10 seconds of reward but the price to pay is so deadly and lethal. i lost a genuine and innocent and purest form of friendship. for succes and being the cream of the crop, i gave up a life long friendship. what a dick i am to her. competitions among friends in secondary school? the only 4 years where we experience real and unreal friendships and 4 years to forge lifelong friendships? i have lost it all. blinded by success, realising in the end she wasn't even wanting to win me she is a normal, innocent and carefree girl who loves what she loves. she didn't care what people think of her liking kpop. she didn't cared about the perspectives of others. she had the carefree attitude which i never ever seem to posses. i didn't care about what i like i only cared about winning. i didn't bother to understand that she should have her rights of doing what she loves and her life isn't controlled by me and that she doesn't need to conform to the competitive world, trading off her carefree-ness. i guess i was too selfish to realise that she was in no wrong i am the one at fault. i am incarcerated by guilt, imprison by myself that i hurt my friend who cared about me and nearly destroying what she loved. sins i have created myself are tied like a dead-knot to my ankles weighing me down, slowly pulling myself into the earth consuming me with guilt....

6/5/2016